Women are a species on their own, believe me, I have been around them for a long time, there is nothing else like them on this planet, and probably any other! Now you would think that after all this time I would understand them. Forget it! If you go on that premise then you are in for heartache and grief.

For some men dates may as well be the fruits of the palm tree, they can't seem to get it right. You know the type, they open their mouth, and then need the Mariana trench to bury themselves. Here is a list of things not to say, because for sure they will be misinterpreted, by the alien female species.

"OOH YOU LOOK JUST LIKE YOUR MUM!" Even if her mum is the sexiest looking woman in the universe this gambit opens a huge can of worms. First you are suggesting that she looks old! Secondly you are suggesting she is an extension of someone else. This might seem an easy throw away line, but do just that with it throw it out of your repertoire. This is the number one turn off for women to be compared to their mothers. The relationship between mothers and daughters is always a mine field and this will never be understood by the male species. I am not sure that women even understand it. Believe me no woman ever, whatever their age, wants to be compared to her mother.

"CAN I BRING THE KIDS'? Let's assume that she knows that you have Kids. If she does then you may as well say 'hey girl I need a babysitter". Your date needs to feel that you want to get to know her for herself, not as a surrogate mother. Let her suggest when to include the kids. It goes without saying that if she does not know that you have kids then, you have just shot yourself in the foot.

"I AM ONLY AVAILABLE ON THURSDAYS!" There may be a myriad of great reasons why you should want to say this, such as I look after my elderly mother; I am an avid train spotter, etcetera etcetera . However you have to remember that women are highly suspicious and they are going to think "He's definitely married" This may be illogical, it may be adding two and two and getting 3058, but trust me that is what this statement means "marriage", there is no other interpretation. You may think that your date is more mature and you can get away with this. Age only reinforces this dubiousness.

"I HAVE NEVER HAD A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP" The only way that you can get away with this line is if you are under 10 years of age. Women want to find their dream man and no one is going to waste time on a date that does not want a relationship. Women are natural born optimists, but they want a man to share their life with, and be able to converse on the same level. By saying this you are effectively saying 'I come from the planet Zanussi!" Women invest more emotions into a relationship than a regular guy. Trust is a key issue here, and this has destroyed any chance of establishing it.

"I WANT TO SETTLE DOWN AND HAVE SIX KIDS" This may seem like contrary advice, I have just said that women want a relationship, yeah I did, but women are different creatures, live with it!. They may want a relationship, but they do not want to be appreciated as a "battery hen', at least not in the precarious territory of getting to know someone.

"THE MOST IMPORTANT WOMAN IN MY LIFE IS MY MOTHER" The relationship between sons and mothers is as problematic as that between mothers and daughters. Women may not understand this relationship, but they are canny enough to avoid embroiling themselves here at all costs. It spells danger red zone, three seconds to self destruct.

"I HATE WASTING MONEY ON GOING OUT FOR A MEAL", or"DO YOU MIND PAYING THE TAB Women like to be wooed and feel special. Don't declare I am too tight on your first date. It may come out in the wash, but keep that piece of information to yourself.

"WHAT GREAT TITS YOU HAVE" You know the story of 'Little Red Riding Hood", well you have just portrayed yourself as the Big Bad Wolf, the only thing worse you can say is "Let's jump in the sack"

"I HATE USING CONDOMS!" Women like their eggs in the morning preferably to be unfertilized! Not to mention the fact that the threat of disease is scary.